I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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