he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize