i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
