You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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