Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
