I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
honey bunches of taint.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
