glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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