Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
