So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
