So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
