I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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