so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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