he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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