if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
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