Umm I'm too high to move.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
