Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
