I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
