the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
He has the fingertips of a God
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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