in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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