I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
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