i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize