Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
