puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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