Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
