I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
