I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
