So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
Randomize
