i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Randomize