Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
