Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
