In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
