I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
