Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
