She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
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