i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
