When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
She needs sedatives and a leash
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize