I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
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