I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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