Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
