woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You should frame my arrest warrant.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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