Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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