I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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