you guys were way drunker than both of me
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Randomize
