I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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