I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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