rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
