tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
