This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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