Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
