Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps
warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
