My hand turned me down
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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