I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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