my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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