The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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