Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
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