Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
