Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
