he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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